Dreams Live Forever

well i started to write you a commment
but then it got really long
and then i rememberd your comments are displaeyd for all to see

so i changed my mind on writing a comment
and decided to write you this message.

thanks for being a really good friend tonight.
thanks for not shoving some program feebdack shit down my throat.
thanks for taking the time to actually talk to me.

im sorry if i got rude.
i have a really bad temper sence i got out of scl.
cuz the one thing i NEEEDED to deal with.
i couldnt. and i havent really.

cuz i dont know what to think about it ne more.

well while im on it, i mine as well just tell you.

my mom used to hit me.
kick me.
throw things at me.
punch me in the arm.
slap me in the face.
threaten me. tell me she'd make my life a living hell.
call me names.

before scl.
i told my best friend.
her mom called CPS.
they didnt want to do ne thing
cuz if she denied it they coudnt do ne thing
and they didnt want to make it worse if they oculdnt prove it

cuz there wer enever bruises.

i went to scl.
i didnt talk to ne1 about it
i told 1 person.
they asked my rep
my mom never told my rep that
that 1 person though i lied to her.

i told my best freiend in the program.
amanda sloan.
she belived me.
she enciouraged me to talk to my mom.

i talked to my mom at pc2 about it.
and how i feel.

my mom said that it was a load of bs
that i only brought up it
to avoid myself
to blame my mom
to make my mom out to be the bad person

and my mom isnt all horible
she does a lot of nice things too
for the most part she is a great person

btu we all have an evil side
hers is her anger
mine is cutting and stupid shit

my mom told my upper level rep
that it wasnt true

my mom had me tell my 2 friends in az
who had called CPS
that i had lied to them too

when the cops came to my door one night
because i was suicidal
and because they had heard that my mom was abusive

my mom didnt get upset about me wanting to kill myself
or ne thing

she was upset that i would say that she hit me
that now shes in the records

somteims i think
well maybe shes right
i deserved it
she didnt really hit me that much
it wasnt a big deal
everyone loses their temper
she says shes sorry
its okay

and sometimes i think
no
i didnt deserv it
she shouldntve ever hit me

and then
i work with kids
and they dont listen
and i want to smack the shit out of them
even thoughn they are just little kids
being kids

i want to hit them
to make it hurt

but i dont
but i want to

and i want to break every peice of glass in my house sometimes
and cut up my arm
till its dripping blood

but i cant do taht either
but i want to

i want to talk to someone about it
but i dont want them to tell my mom
but they would
beause theyd think im a liability to myself
or others

so instead
i smile things off
i pretend like life is all great
i tell my mom i love her
i kiss her goodnight
i spend time with her
and laugh all the while

while really
im killing my body
with my stupid choices

and i dont even like doing it

i just dont know what else to do with myself right now

i cant stand spedning all of december (winter break) at home
but i need a car
and so ic ant spend money going out of state

and so here i am
tellinhg you my whole life story again

but its something ive been really needing to get off my chest

because im sick of my mom
telling me
to tell all my friends from scl
that she doesnt hit me
that i dont cut
that i lied about cutting and her hitting me
that its me whos always in the wrong
and she's jsut this angel all the time
that she doesnt have an evil side
that im the one hurting her all the time

im. sick. of it.
im. sick. of. where. my . life is going.

okay. if you have any feedback. any anything. PLEASE let me know. well i guess if you dont want to. you dnt ahve to.

i cant tell you right now that im going to stop doing anything that im doing.

i cant tell you that im goin to go and be honest with my mom and tell her.

i cant tell you that im not going to end up killing myself one of these days with all the stupid stuff and stress im taking on

but i can tell you this.

i do listen to waht you say.
it really does help me.

and right now. i may not be fully sober. but i knwo by the time u read and reply i will be.

and ill be more in a right mind to start doing something about myself.

love you.

sorry that was so long. i just got writing. and i couldnt stop.

well im kind of in this joint spot in my life

i dont know what to do anymore

i have been gone for long time

and here i am

french 3-4
AP Psychology
human anatomy/physiology
Sociology

LUNCH

pre calc

OUT AT 2 PM!!!

work 3-6 @ day care center

home for homework. and sleep.

shawnnam411 is online 07/29/2007 09:37 PM:
"I am online"
i have a question
what
what do you do when 1 friend of yours is being short with you. and then when you ask she acts like nothing is wrong. and then another friend has cut off all relations with you and says nothing.
if they wont tell u u cant make them just stay there friend and hope that they come around
okk.
remember how much i cared about april?
there just isnt much u can do until they want to talk
yes
well, she cut me out of her life the minute i got out.
and then  in december im going to see amanda. and it seems one minute she's all happy about it. and then other times she is really short and disconnected
alot of girls do that mayree, some were never really friends thats the hard part
yahh.
amanda can turn it on and then turn it right off
i figured that one out
sorry sweetie, im not saying that she isnt your friend, just some people have a hard time keeping friends that they really care about
But I don't think thats fair.
and yes i know life isn't fair.
there isnt anything u can do about it though
it just frustrating because she knows so much about me. and she's one of the few that i really do care about. and such. and the up and downedness is frustrating.
i know, just be there for her until u just cant anymore. then it will be here lost.
so what just dont talk to her until she comes around?
no i would keep trying to let her know that u r there, if she doesnt talk back then u have to make a decision on whether u can keep doing that
well she does sometimes.
the decision will have to come from u mayree, you will know when enough is enough
yahh.
chin up sweetie ill always love u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tried to create some closure with this girl.

(view what i said)

okay.

well. im done now. for real this time. i am not going to write you or anything anymore.

it's up to you. if you want to be like this than that's your choice.

it just really hurts me that this has happened. you really mean(t) alot to me.

almost as much as amanda.

i was really happy to find you when i got home. and that my mom approved of you. and that even though at first she didnt like you, she got to like you.

i missed you when you had left spring creek. even though we weren't as close as lets say you and amanda or even you and girls in integrity, i still felt close-ish to you.

you had always been honest with me. and been there for me.

i really don't understand what happened. one minute we were texting about trying to get together. the next minute there was nothing.

i mean i know you're busy. but it seems different. you read what i write, but you don't reply.

you give me nothing to work with. and it really tears me up inside.

i know i have been quite annoying. i just don't know how else to get your attention, because youre phone doesn't work. and even when it did you didn't answer.

just give me something to work with. I know you have some thought. no matter how bitchy or mean or whatever it sounds like, it would be really nice if you would tell me them.

but if not, then that's your choice to.

i will still love and care about you whether or not we are truly friends or not.


_______________________________________________________________________________

but seomthing about her wont let me.

i feel drained. and like a person i dont want to be.

when im on myspace.

its tearing me up inside. instead of helpiong me.

so fuck myspace.

fuck. fuck. fuck.

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01. Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

02. Time spent wasting is not wasted time.

03. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

04. A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.

05. Thinner is the winner.

06. You can never be too rich or too thin.

07. Hunger hurts but starving works.

08. The flat stomach is nice, but a concave one is perfect.

09. You will be tempted quite frequently. You will have to choose whether to enjoy yourself wholly for those 20 minutes or so that you will be consuming excess calories, or whether you will despise yourself cordially for the next three days.

10. Eat to live, but don't live to eat.

11. Quod me nutrit, me destruit (What nourishes me, also destroys me.)

12. Most women live their lives in a state of starvation. Why should I be any different?

13. It's simple: You decide once and for all that you aren't going to eat, and there are no further decisions to make.

14. In the body, as in sculpture, perfection is attained not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

15. It's not deprivation, it's liberation.

16. Being normal is over rated.

17. Food is like art, to be looked at not eaten.

18. Every time you say no thank you to food, you say yes please to thin.

19. You have a choice to make, do you want to be "Normal" and overweight like the rest of the world, Or do you want to be unique and be that girl every overweight person wants to be? It's all up to you.

20. I do eat normally: only what is needful for survival. I can't help it that we live in a piggish society where gluttony is the norm, and everyone else is constantly stuffing themselves.

21. Think higher of yourself, your too good to put that in your body.

22. Anorexia is not a self-inflicted disease, it's a self-controlled lifestyle.

23. When I wake, I'm empty, light-headed. I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food's only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist, each time achieving another small victory of the will.

24. The difference between want and need is self control.

25. I’ve come too far to take orders from a cookie.

26. They always say they're concerned with me, about my health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love.

27. The greasy fry, it cannot lie, its truth is written on your thigh.

28. They say I could die if I get to thin and I tell them I Could die getting to fat also. The difference is dieing thin is a challenge and I am not one to give up one a challenge.

29. We are prisoners of our taste buds - BREAK FREE!

30. I want my collarbones and hips to be as sharp as my mind.

31. You can learn to love anything I think, if you need to badly enough. I trained myself to enjoy feeling hungry. If my stomach contracts, or I wake up feeling nauseated, or I'm light-headed, or have a hunger headache or better yet, all of the above, it means I'm getting thinner, if feels good. I feel strong, on top of myself, in control.

32. Denying yourself food is not true deprivation - never being thin is.

33. There is no try, there is only DO.

34. I have a rule when I weigh myself. If I've gained then I starve the rest of the day. But if I've lost, then I starve too.

35. Re-measure, reweigh, try harder.

36. Your body is the baggage you must carry through life. The more excess baggage the shorter the trip.

37. You have such a pretty face, why don't you try dieting?

38. Pain is temporary; Pride is forever.

39. An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person.

40. Don't give up what you want most for what you want at the moment.

41. I'm a teenage drama queen, I'll throw my guts up for self esteem.

42. Empty is pure, starving is the cure.

43. Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there.

44. Like a plant, surely the body can be trained to exist on nothing, to take it's nourishment from the air.

45. Feed the soul; let the body fast.

46. If you close your mouth to food, you can know a sweeter taste.

47. The less I swallowed, the more I declined, the more I hope to pare things down to the essentials.

48. The more they give me, the less I'll eat.

49. Eat less, weigh less.

50. Thin has a taste all its own.

51. Happy or sad, rich or poor, it's better being thin.

52. I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.

53. If it tastes good, It's trying to kill you.

54. An ordinary girl, an ordinary waist – but ordinary's just not good enough today.

55. The word is control. That's my ultimate - to have control.

56. "I am your butter and your bread. The voice that's in your head. I'll take you in and fill you up with a lack of being fed" -Ana

57. I want to be the smallest I can possibly be...when I see bone, that's the day I will finally feel free...

58. I'm not yet a winner. I could be thinner. So I must go throw up dinner.

59. Giving in to food shows weakness, be strong and you will be better than everyone else.

60. I'm not starving myself. I'm perfecting my emptiness.

61. I, the hunger artist, rarely disappoint my audience.

62.How many pounds till I am happy? How many pounds till I get thin? Three more pounds till I am skinny, three more pounds and I win!

63.Anorexia is not a disease. Anorexia is not a game. Anorexia is a skill, perfected only by a few. The chosen, the pure, the flawless.

64. Anorexia is like a game; you play, you win, and then it's over. Or you keep playing.

65. Nothing. Nothing is wrong. And asking is against the rules. Crying is against the rules. Your strong, don't let them break you. They're trying to destroy you.

66. When it comes to losing weight, those who can do; those that can make excuses.

67. Don't eat. If you want to see food, look in the mirror at your thighs.

68. What's in your fingers today is on your hips tomorrow.

69. The only freedom left is the freedom to starve.

70. You are what you eat.

71. Good habits result from resisting temptation.

72. There are admirable potentialities in every human being. Believe in your strength and your youth. Learn to repeat endlessly to yourself, 'It all depends on me'.

73. Food is the most primitive form of comfort.

74. Act as if it were impossible to fail.

75. Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.

76. You want food? Look at those THIGHS!

77. Fridge pickers wear big knickers.

78. Don't eat anything today that you'll regret tomorrow.

79. Craving is only a feeling.

80. Bones define who we really are, let them show.

well, i love my friends.

i LOVE amanda sloan. I love everything that comes out of the shit. Chrissy is spreading me doing bad around, but not around enough.

for the love of
Carlie Plancich
Daniel Pascoe
Diana Dapcevich
NIcole VanHouten
Amanda Sloan

Those are the people who matter. FUck everyone else right now.

If they think im horrible then why the fuck do they add me? I dont know.

and...megan welch.

fucking MEGAN WELCH!

i shit fucked up her life, and she's ever so forgiving...

i miss her.

she was truly my BFF.

i woulda told her the world. i told her about my cutting.shit...

:-/

why am i such a fuck up?

her dad fucked with her too. damn....

damn shits been good. found 112 ppl on mypace in 4 days.

tight. shit.

i wish i could add cat and ashlie though...

shit hit the ceiling...in my opinion.

when ur mom has hit u in the past.

and she slaps u and pulls ur hair.

it hella triggers u.

into shit u did before.

no regrets.

my goal: 100 pounds by august 1. no later.

well i think angry and angst are the same thing. oops?

Why do i let her piss me off so much?

I want to slap her. But you cant just slap your own parent now can you? but if i could, I would.

She makes me go crazy in mi cabeza. (head...i made up a spanish word for it).

she pushes every button i have, and...well I guess I let her?

damn.

eat me a live.

soon I will go to college. but not soon enough.

Most people go see fireworks. have a barbeque. drink beer. or some such.

Me. I work. do Algebra 2. deal with iPods and iPhones.

and wonder why my life sucks so much.